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(it doesn't help that doc has broken that trust so many times either. she knows he's trying and things are much better between them then they were months ago....but it's still hard to trust it.)

It is. (she returns the smile with a small one of her own.)

He seems happy about it too. It must of been something he wanted.

I'd hope so. This is me, I wouldn't want to do something he didn't want.

[Even if she doesn't know how she did it, there is at least that much.]

True. Consent is important to you.

(and him being human again is important to wynonna. when he chose to turn it felt like he was choosing immortality over her. over alice.)

[Waverly nods, because she knows how much damage him turning caused their relationship.]

So ... are things with you two good?

I think so?

(it's not like...they have explicitly talked about that because that would involve being an adult and wynonna isn't very good at that.)

They feel better then they have -- whatever new memories he has, they don't seem to have back-peddled the progress we were making.

Good. I'm glad.

[She would hate for it to have made things worse.]

Is that progress ... continuing to progress?

[She just wants to know if her sister is happy and if there is anything to know. Give her the gossip.]

I don't know?

(it feels like it is but it's also in a weird standstill at the same time.)

I don't think Doc is willing to risk endangering me or Ray until he knows for sure that the marriages aren't going to be maintained anymore

That's fair. And it seems like he and Ray care about each other a lot.

[It would make sense if Doc was making new connections.]

He could want to see how that plays out.

(that strikes a chord with wynonna -- not that she hasn't made plenty of her own connections but the idea that doc would willingly choose ray over her -- that bothers her.)

I don't think he likes Ray that way. I know what Doc likes. Ray's too nice. Too sweet.

[Waverly presses her lips together because she knows that that might not be true. But she doesn't know if this is one of the times where Wynonna needs to hear the hard truth or if she should be encouraged, so she doesn't disagree with her.]

Maybe. I haven't really talked to him about it.

(her voice is sharp, defensive even.)

So you're just what -- speculating?

(or maybe there's a part of wynonna that fears waverly could be right -- that doc is trying to be a better person, and he's been a better person...and might not want her anymore.)

[She holds up her hands in response because she's not trying to pick a fight with you, Wynonna. She's just trying to be fair to all parties.]

I'm just saying we don't really know anything about their relationship. But Ray cares enough about him to give him a means to survive. There might be more that we don't know.

[She reaches over to take her sister's hands.]

Look, you know I am all in your corner, always. I'm the biggest fan of Wynonna and Doc around! But ... he married him, Wynonna. It might not have come from nothing.

He didn't even know him when he married him! It was just the stupid chocolate.

(but maybe it was more. the only time she and doc have honestly talked about their other dalliances was when they were under the influence of that truth whiskey.)

Ray's a good guy, and they've had to make it work, I get that, but it's not -- it's not more than than that.

(she refuses to entertain the idea that it could be.)

Okay. Okay.

[She drops her hands and lets it go. It's not worth the fight when she doesn't have the actual answers.]

Forget I said anything.

Sorry.

(wynonna rubs her temple, looking up at the ceiling for a moment. she had come here because she was happy, and then she started yelling at waverly.)

I don't know why I snapped like that.

I know why.

[She gives her a bit of a look.]

You want to be the one Doc wants and you don't like the idea of having competition.

[Which she's not judging her for, being jealous, it's human. But Waverly also knows that Wynonna knows that too.]

It hasn't exactly been easy having him married to someone else. Again.

(even if they were on bad terms for most of doc's marriage to ray....the idea of him finding happiness with someone else, the idea always stings.)

Have you told him how you feel?

[She asks, knowing the answer to the question is probably no, but she's gonna ask it anyway.]

Not any time recently. (not really since they learned about what she did to holt, since they woke up with those memories and even then she had couched it in safe terms. i care about you. the more appropriate feeling words she still doesn't really admit to herself, let alone say out loud.)

I just know the relief I felt when we came back and he wasn't dead, and the relief I felt again...feeling his heartbeat again.

Maybe you should tell him.

[She reaches over to take Wynonna's hand, giving it a squeeze.]

I know how scary it is, but ... it's supposed to be. It's how you know it means something.

Easy for you to say, everyone loves you. Especially Nicole.

(and even if things are better with doc now....waverly had a point...maybe he was exploring his options. why would she put herself out there like that?)

[And that ... grates, in a way she hadn't anticipated. Because that's not always true. People may like her because she's kind and sweet, but the real stuff, people who really see her for who she is are few and far between.]

That's the thing. It's not easy for me, Wynonna. Kissing Nicole for the first time felt like jumping out of a plane without a parachute.

Sure, maybe I had a theory about her feelings. But what if there was no spark? What if there was all this anticipation but it felt like kissing my sister? What if she saw the real me and realized that she didn't sign up for demons and dead languages and obsessive research?

[And she was, thankfully. Nicole was there to catch her when she fell, but for a moment, Waverly was scared she wouldn't.]

I was terrified but I did it anyway because you can't have the big reward without taking the risk.

And the last time I took the big risk it blew up in my face!

(granted it wasn't with doc, but still, even when she finally tried with klaus, it had been too late, because she didn't know how to love someone properly. she's been working on it and has come a long way since then but still --

maybe people like her don't get to have more than this.)

I wouldn't even know what to do with the big reward if I had it! And as you just reminded me, I may not even be who he wants anymore.

And if you never try at all, you're definitely not going to be.

[This she will push back on, because she knows things were complicated with Klaus, and that that rejection was hard. But that doesn't mean that she should stop trying.]

Honestly, Wynonna, do you really want to be miserable and alone forever? And don't give me some bullshit about you being too broken because that's not what the question is. The question is, is that what you want? Because if it is, then by all means. Go for it. You're pretty much on track. But if you want more than that, you're going to eventually have to take a risk again.

[She takes a deep breath.]

And I know that Doc? He wants to be happy. He wants to have something better. Unless you step up and say that you want that too, he'll find someone else who does. I love you, but I love him too, and Doc deserves someone who's in that with him. If that's not going to be you, then maybe he should move on.

Edited 2021-05-16 04:58 (UTC)

(does wynonna want to be miserable? no. does part of her deeply believe she deserves to be? yes. and willa's presence here definitely hasn't helped in that regard, a stark reminder of what wynonna is capable of doing even to the people she cares about the most.)

Jesus, Waverly, it's not like I haven't been trying -- I don't want to be miserable but that doesn't mean -- I don't know how to be happy. And I know, you've told me, at some point I have to choose it, and I've been trying, but maybe it hasn't been that good of efforts if it doesn't show.

(but maybe doc does deserve something better than what she's able to offer. maybe that isn't what waverly is saying, but it is what she's hearing.)

It would have been so easy to just accept that I had blown things with him, I've worked for months to even get him to look me in the eyes so sorry if I feel a little anxious about taking more risks when things still feel -- like they could fucking shatter again at any moment.

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