stupetballs: (1)
Waverly Earp ([personal profile] stupetballs) wrote2020-07-07 06:09 pm

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middlefinger: (while it burns right)

[personal profile] middlefinger 2021-05-16 04:49 am (UTC)(link)

And the last time I took the big risk it blew up in my face!

(granted it wasn't with doc, but still, even when she finally tried with klaus, it had been too late, because she didn't know how to love someone properly. she's been working on it and has come a long way since then but still --

maybe people like her don't get to have more than this.)

I wouldn't even know what to do with the big reward if I had it! And as you just reminded me, I may not even be who he wants anymore.

middlefinger: (while it burns right)

[personal profile] middlefinger 2021-05-16 05:03 am (UTC)(link)

(does wynonna want to be miserable? no. does part of her deeply believe she deserves to be? yes. and willa's presence here definitely hasn't helped in that regard, a stark reminder of what wynonna is capable of doing even to the people she cares about the most.)

Jesus, Waverly, it's not like I haven't been trying -- I don't want to be miserable but that doesn't mean -- I don't know how to be happy. And I know, you've told me, at some point I have to choose it, and I've been trying, but maybe it hasn't been that good of efforts if it doesn't show.

(but maybe doc does deserve something better than what she's able to offer. maybe that isn't what waverly is saying, but it is what she's hearing.)

It would have been so easy to just accept that I had blown things with him, I've worked for months to even get him to look me in the eyes so sorry if I feel a little anxious about taking more risks when things still feel -- like they could fucking shatter again at any moment.

middlefinger: (that's not what it seems like to me)

[personal profile] middlefinger 2021-05-16 10:02 pm (UTC)(link)

(sometimes, for better or for worse, wynonna forgets that things were hard for waverly too, just in different ways, and how much she just wanted to be seen.)

I guess -- part of me has always been jealous. Because from where I was standing...it did seem easier and I didn't understand why. (why it was easier for people to love waverly, especially people like gus who would often couch her love for wynonna in also reminding her that she broken, and that waverly would be better off without her. she probably thinks alice is better off without her too.)

Once I shot Daddy -- it felt like everyone other than you and Curtis gave up on me. And everyone kept telling me you'd be better off if I was gone -- so you'd have less of a shadow to live in. And no one ever tried to protect me like that, save me like that. Even Mama told me to leave and never come back the last time I visited her -- though I know now she her reasons but it didn't change how it felt at the time.

Edited 2021-05-16 22:13 (UTC)
middlefinger: (there's no place like my room)

[personal profile] middlefinger 2021-05-17 12:05 am (UTC)(link)

(it's true. and without curtis she wouldn't have her beloved motorcycle, the true tragedy, obviously.)

I didn't plan on coming back. I never realized how much you wanted to. But then when Curtis died...I had to. It was too suspicious, given how close it was to my birthday. And I'm glad I did...I mean, as much as being the heir has sucked at times, having you back in my life has saved me a bunch of times. I can't imagine leaving you now -- but if I did, I can promise you I'd always come back.

(it never occurred to her that maybe, waverly needs to hear that, but it does now.)

I don't want to lose that either -- not when I almost already did. But I guess...even now it's hard to feel like I deserve that kind of happiness. Especially with.... (and she's tried not to bring this up, because she knows she and waverly see willa very differently, and for valid reasons.)

Willa being around hasn't helped. A reminder of what I'm capable of, when push comes to shove.

middlefinger: (It feels so helpful)

[personal profile] middlefinger 2021-05-17 12:19 am (UTC)(link)

I have, I've been trying to help her acclimate as much as possible.

(maybe because she does feel responsible for willa, or because she knows she can be dangerous and if she fell in the wrong crowd here -- well, that could be trouble. or maybe it's a chance for willa to finally have the freedom to just...be willa, whoever that ends up being.)

She doesn't blame me, I think it would be easier if she was angry with me.

(and the thing is, wynonna knows willa and holt were different situations....but willa still feels worse to her, because it was her sister. even if there had been no other choices, even if dolls had shot her first and the monster would have killed her. it had been a mercy killing in the end, maybe that's why peacemaker turned blue.)

middlefinger: (Windows down heater on)

[personal profile] middlefinger 2021-05-17 12:51 am (UTC)(link)

I couldn't help her the last time -- I just want things to be different.

(but willa being here is also a reminder of how wynonna has often felt, that being an earp is a curse in of itself, and that happiness might be beyond her reach.)

And I guess...if I went there with Doc, I would want things to be different too, things haven't always been good between us, we haven't always been good for one another.

middlefinger: (it's the third time)

[personal profile] middlefinger 2021-05-17 01:05 am (UTC)(link)

(she wraps an arm around waverly, pulling her in close because after fighting like that she needs some sister cuddles.)

I hope so. I mean, part of why I haven't said anything -- it's not just fear, though definitely plenty of that -- but until he knows for sure his marriage isn't something he has to stay faithful to -- I don't want want to make it harder on him than it already is.

middlefinger: (and you'll poke that bear)

[personal profile] middlefinger 2021-05-17 01:19 am (UTC)(link)

I do know. And it's not like I've stayed celibate waiting around for him. (not that she thinks waverly thinks she has, they both know that's not wynonna's style.)

And just because we had a kid together -- it doesn't mean we're meant to be. He believes in soulmates -- I don't.

middlefinger: +waves (that you know that i don't)

[personal profile] middlefinger 2021-05-17 02:04 am (UTC)(link)

I know that. (she runs her fingers through waverly's short hair.)

And I know you love Doc, and you want him to be happy too. Even if that...doesn't involve me.

middlefinger: (and you'll poke that bear)

[personal profile] middlefinger 2021-05-17 02:35 am (UTC)(link)

No matter what, he's family. What he and I are romantically or not -- that doesn't change.

(they had a beautiful daughter together, one they haven't been able to see since then, that'll tie them until the end of their days.)

middlefinger: (the most a toast)

[personal profile] middlefinger 2021-05-17 02:45 am (UTC)(link)

You know I'll never say no to a good sister sleepover.

(and they may be a little more rare now that nicole is around, so she's going to take advantage where she can. selfishly, as much as she knows waverly had missed nicole, and to a lesser extent she had as well, it had been nice having waverly to herself.)