stupetballs | penance } { ic inbox

I know why.

[She gives her a bit of a look.]

You want to be the one Doc wants and you don't like the idea of having competition.

[Which she's not judging her for, being jealous, it's human. But Waverly also knows that Wynonna knows that too.]

It hasn't exactly been easy having him married to someone else. Again.

(even if they were on bad terms for most of doc's marriage to ray....the idea of him finding happiness with someone else, the idea always stings.)

Have you told him how you feel?

[She asks, knowing the answer to the question is probably no, but she's gonna ask it anyway.]

Not any time recently. (not really since they learned about what she did to holt, since they woke up with those memories and even then she had couched it in safe terms. i care about you. the more appropriate feeling words she still doesn't really admit to herself, let alone say out loud.)

I just know the relief I felt when we came back and he wasn't dead, and the relief I felt again...feeling his heartbeat again.

Maybe you should tell him.

[She reaches over to take Wynonna's hand, giving it a squeeze.]

I know how scary it is, but ... it's supposed to be. It's how you know it means something.

Easy for you to say, everyone loves you. Especially Nicole.

(and even if things are better with doc now....waverly had a point...maybe he was exploring his options. why would she put herself out there like that?)

[And that ... grates, in a way she hadn't anticipated. Because that's not always true. People may like her because she's kind and sweet, but the real stuff, people who really see her for who she is are few and far between.]

That's the thing. It's not easy for me, Wynonna. Kissing Nicole for the first time felt like jumping out of a plane without a parachute.

Sure, maybe I had a theory about her feelings. But what if there was no spark? What if there was all this anticipation but it felt like kissing my sister? What if she saw the real me and realized that she didn't sign up for demons and dead languages and obsessive research?

[And she was, thankfully. Nicole was there to catch her when she fell, but for a moment, Waverly was scared she wouldn't.]

I was terrified but I did it anyway because you can't have the big reward without taking the risk.

And the last time I took the big risk it blew up in my face!

(granted it wasn't with doc, but still, even when she finally tried with klaus, it had been too late, because she didn't know how to love someone properly. she's been working on it and has come a long way since then but still --

maybe people like her don't get to have more than this.)

I wouldn't even know what to do with the big reward if I had it! And as you just reminded me, I may not even be who he wants anymore.

And if you never try at all, you're definitely not going to be.

[This she will push back on, because she knows things were complicated with Klaus, and that that rejection was hard. But that doesn't mean that she should stop trying.]

Honestly, Wynonna, do you really want to be miserable and alone forever? And don't give me some bullshit about you being too broken because that's not what the question is. The question is, is that what you want? Because if it is, then by all means. Go for it. You're pretty much on track. But if you want more than that, you're going to eventually have to take a risk again.

[She takes a deep breath.]

And I know that Doc? He wants to be happy. He wants to have something better. Unless you step up and say that you want that too, he'll find someone else who does. I love you, but I love him too, and Doc deserves someone who's in that with him. If that's not going to be you, then maybe he should move on.

Edited 2021-05-16 04:58 (UTC)

(does wynonna want to be miserable? no. does part of her deeply believe she deserves to be? yes. and willa's presence here definitely hasn't helped in that regard, a stark reminder of what wynonna is capable of doing even to the people she cares about the most.)

Jesus, Waverly, it's not like I haven't been trying -- I don't want to be miserable but that doesn't mean -- I don't know how to be happy. And I know, you've told me, at some point I have to choose it, and I've been trying, but maybe it hasn't been that good of efforts if it doesn't show.

(but maybe doc does deserve something better than what she's able to offer. maybe that isn't what waverly is saying, but it is what she's hearing.)

It would have been so easy to just accept that I had blown things with him, I've worked for months to even get him to look me in the eyes so sorry if I feel a little anxious about taking more risks when things still feel -- like they could fucking shatter again at any moment.

[ ... Okay, maybe that was a bit harsh. The irritation flags and she holds up her hands again, because she didn't mean to hit that hard. She takes a breath, tries to calm herself down, and not come out hitting so hard.]

You're right. You're right, and I know you've been trying.

[Her shoulders slump slightly as she tries to put her feelings into words.]

It's just ... every time you dismiss me by saying that this is all easy for me because "everybody loves me" ... that's not necessarily true. I might be the "easier" sister to deal with, but that doesn't really give me a lot of room to be myself. There weren't a lot of people that really saw me and loved me because of who I am.

Most of the time, unless it was Curtis or you, it felt like it was in spite of it.

(sometimes, for better or for worse, wynonna forgets that things were hard for waverly too, just in different ways, and how much she just wanted to be seen.)

I guess -- part of me has always been jealous. Because from where I was standing...it did seem easier and I didn't understand why. (why it was easier for people to love waverly, especially people like gus who would often couch her love for wynonna in also reminding her that she broken, and that waverly would be better off without her. she probably thinks alice is better off without her too.)

Once I shot Daddy -- it felt like everyone other than you and Curtis gave up on me. And everyone kept telling me you'd be better off if I was gone -- so you'd have less of a shadow to live in. And no one ever tried to protect me like that, save me like that. Even Mama told me to leave and never come back the last time I visited her -- though I know now she her reasons but it didn't change how it felt at the time.

Edited 2021-05-16 22:13 (UTC)

[Basically what they're saying is that even though we never saw him on screen, Curtis was the best. Thank you, Curtis, for caring unconditionally.]

I know. But ... I never wanted you to go. I was always scared that you were never going to come back.

[And then Waverly would never see her sister again, and that? That was something she didn't want to consider. But the longer she stayed and stagnated in Purgatory, the bigger that fear became.

She then gives her a small smile.]

But then you did. And in case I haven't said it recently, I'm really, really glad you did. And I also know that Doc sees you. Like, really sees you. I don't want you to lose that because you're too scared to take it.

[He loves her because she's Wynonna, not in spite of it.]

Edited 2021-05-16 23:57 (UTC)

(it's true. and without curtis she wouldn't have her beloved motorcycle, the true tragedy, obviously.)

I didn't plan on coming back. I never realized how much you wanted to. But then when Curtis died...I had to. It was too suspicious, given how close it was to my birthday. And I'm glad I did...I mean, as much as being the heir has sucked at times, having you back in my life has saved me a bunch of times. I can't imagine leaving you now -- but if I did, I can promise you I'd always come back.

(it never occurred to her that maybe, waverly needs to hear that, but it does now.)

I don't want to lose that either -- not when I almost already did. But I guess...even now it's hard to feel like I deserve that kind of happiness. Especially with.... (and she's tried not to bring this up, because she knows she and waverly see willa very differently, and for valid reasons.)

Willa being around hasn't helped. A reminder of what I'm capable of, when push comes to shove.

[Waverly's been wondering how things went with Willa. While in terms of her relationship with Willa, the ball is very much in Willa's court. Waverly isn't going to force them to be sisters, so if Willa decides that that's what she wants, then they'll figure things out from there.

But she knows that things with Wynonna would be a lot more complicated.

She also knows that what happened with Willa wasn't the same as Holt. Maybe they were both necessary, but so many more lives were at stake as far as Willa was concerned.

Waverly could tell Wynonna all those things, how she didn't have a choice. How so many people would have died. How Willa made her own choices that put her there, not just Wynonna, but they'd be all things she's said before. She wonders if Wynonna has seen something else.]

Have you talked to her much?

I have, I've been trying to help her acclimate as much as possible.

(maybe because she does feel responsible for willa, or because she knows she can be dangerous and if she fell in the wrong crowd here -- well, that could be trouble. or maybe it's a chance for willa to finally have the freedom to just...be willa, whoever that ends up being.)

She doesn't blame me, I think it would be easier if she was angry with me.

(and the thing is, wynonna knows willa and holt were different situations....but willa still feels worse to her, because it was her sister. even if there had been no other choices, even if dolls had shot her first and the monster would have killed her. it had been a mercy killing in the end, maybe that's why peacemaker turned blue.)

[She nods, because she could understand that feeling from a different angle. She could understand Willa hating her, if she had actually done anything wrong.]

It's good, that you've been helping her. I think she was just as surprised to see us as we were to see her, and it's good for her to have something to hold her steady.

[Even as ineffectual as it's been in the past.]

I couldn't help her the last time -- I just want things to be different.

(but willa being here is also a reminder of how wynonna has often felt, that being an earp is a curse in of itself, and that happiness might be beyond her reach.)

And I guess...if I went there with Doc, I would want things to be different too, things haven't always been good between us, we haven't always been good for one another.

[She nods, because she gets that too.]

I'm not saying things are going to be perfect, on either side. Things are going to get messed up, because we're human, and we screw up sometimes. But if you decide that you want things to be better - I think you can do it. With both Willa and Doc.

(she wraps an arm around waverly, pulling her in close because after fighting like that she needs some sister cuddles.)

I hope so. I mean, part of why I haven't said anything -- it's not just fear, though definitely plenty of that -- but until he knows for sure his marriage isn't something he has to stay faithful to -- I don't want want to make it harder on him than it already is.

[She nods, before shifting to rest her head on her shoulder, and wrapping an arm around her waist.]

That's fair. Hopefully it'll all work out for the best.

[She glances up at her sister.]

And if the best isn't Doc? That's okay too, you know.

I do know. And it's not like I've stayed celibate waiting around for him. (not that she thinks waverly thinks she has, they both know that's not wynonna's style.)

And just because we had a kid together -- it doesn't mean we're meant to be. He believes in soulmates -- I don't.

[She nods, because she gets that too.]

I just want you to be happy, Wynonna. That's all. So however that works out, I'm in your corner. Always.

I know that. (she runs her fingers through waverly's short hair.)

And I know you love Doc, and you want him to be happy too. Even if that...doesn't involve me.

He's one of the best guys I know.

[In fact, he is her best man, later on, though she doesn't quite know that yet.]

But you two will figure it out. But I think you'll always be connected, even if it's not romantically. You'll always have Alice.

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